I feel the need to dedicate this page to Larry Hankin, the actor who so brilliantly played "Mr. Heckles", the downstairs

         neighbor of Monica Geller and Rachel Green in the popular tv-sitcom "Friends".

     ( yes I know that's George Carlin's picture up there, but you'll soon find out just why it so prominently decorates this page! )

            In season 2, episode 3, "The One Where Heckles Dies", the gang finds the' "Big Book of Grievances" that Mr. Heckles

          had supposedly compiled, which I personally thought was a fantastic item to come up with.

          Because everyone has a list of things they don't like, thoroughly dislike, hate, or even loathe.

          Here's a modest list of mine:

​

 

Selfies and the people who take them

Too many people these days are camera happy.

It's not bad enough newspaper websites are plastered with pictures of celebrities at their worst, and that you-know-who actually had a book of her selfies published, but I think it's a lot more annoying to see how meaningless people have become to take pictures of themselves, the now infamous 'selfies', at the worst possible locations or times.

Remember the firemen posing in front of a burning house?

Or how about those assholes posing in front of that cafe in Sydney, Australia? Where all those people just got shot!

Fukushima selfies ring a bell?.

Well, we've also had the opportunity to read about a young man who fell off of a cliff trying to take a selfie.

It was an epic, yet very dramatic, fail. He died doing it.

 

Now I know it's pointless to ask you all to stop being so pathetic, so I won't.

In the mean time I will be happy I'm not one of you and distinguish myself as someone who's in a slightly better class of people.

And I patiently wait for the selfie of the guy getting smacked in the mouth by a hockey puck at a Rangers game.

"Look at me! With all my front teeth missing, I look just like one of them down there!"

 

Fun at the cash register
Don't you just love it when the people in front of you at the cash register of your favorite supermarket, seem to be so involved in their own little worlds, that it swallows them up completely and renders them impossible to give a fuck about you and everyone else they might be slowing down?
 

They simply fail to give a shit that they are holding you up and wasting YOUR precious time.
You want to step up and say "Hey, move it along will ya? I have more things to do today." 
But most of us are too nice to say that, because well ... no one else here seems to mind you being an asshole.
Sure, make a phone call first before packing your bags.
By all means, pack your bags right there at the register where you are in everyone's way. 
By all means, let's not put everything in the trolley and wheel it over to the counter that was specially built so you would have even MORE room to put your groceries in your bag.

 

Words

Several decades ago, the late great comedian, and absolute verbalist, George Carlin started a rant against certain words.
He argued words were just words. They didn't mean anything. The contents of the words themselves are nothing special.
The context however changes in the way YOU use these words.
He began in the 70's with a skit about the 7 words you can't say on tv: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
Later an eighth word was added: asshole.

Maybe the word "opinion" should be censored too, since we all have one of those as well.
I'd like to share with you now a skit from one of his HBO specials and it is, next to his businessman/religion skit, one of the funniest things I've ever heard:      [here's the video and below is the text so you can read along]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language.

And American English is loaded with euphemisms.

Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality.

Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protect themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse. I'll give you an example of that.

There's a condition in combat. Most people know about it. It's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to it's absolute peak and maximum. Can't take anymore input. The nervous system has either (click) snapped or is about to snap. In the first world war, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables, shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves.

That was seventy years ago.

Then a whole generation went by and the second world war came along and the very same combat condition was called battle fatigue.

Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn't seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock! Battle fatigue.

Then we had the war in Korea, 1950. Madison avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called operational exhaustion. Hey, were up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It's totally sterile now. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car.

Then of course, came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it shell shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha that. I'll betcha that.

 

But. But, it didn't happen, and one of the reasons. One of the reasons is because we were using that soft language. That language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time. It does keep getting worse. I'll give you another example. Sometime during my life. Sometime during my life, toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn't notified of this. No one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest-room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity. When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see a doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization...or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they're broke! They're broke! They don't have a negative cash-flow position. They're fucking broke! Cause a lot of them were fired. You know, fired. Management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce.

 

Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people...or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.

 

And...and some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that, like on the airlines, they say they want to pre- board. Well, what the hell is pre-board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they're going to pre-board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples! Simple honest direct language. There is no shame attached to the word cripple that I can find in any dictionary. No shame attached to it, in fact it's a word used in bible translations. Jesus healed the cripples. Doesn't take seven words to describe that condition. But we don't have any cripples in this country anymore. We have The physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you? How about differently abled.

I've heard them called that. Differently abled!

You can't even call these people handicapped anymore. They'll say, "Were not handicapped. Were handicapable!"

These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you'll change the condition.

Well, hey cousin, ppsssspptttttt. Doesn't happen. Doesn't happen.

 

We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired. No ones blind anymore, partially sighted or visually impaired. We have no more stupid people. Everyone has a learning disorder...or he's minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child? "He's minimally exceptional." "Oohh, thank god for that." Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people, those with severe appearance deficits. It's getting so bad, that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient.

 

And we have no more old people in this country. No more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these senior citizens. Isn't that a typically American twentieth century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless, no pulse in one of them. A senior citizen. But I've accepted that one, I've come to terms with it. I know it's to stay. We'll never get rid of it. That's what they're going to be called, so I'll relax on that, but the one I do resist. The one I keep resisting is when they look at an old guy and they'll say, "Look at him Dan! He's ninety years young."

Imagine the fear of aging that reveals. To not even be able to use the word "old" to describe someone. To have to use an antonym.

And fear of aging is natural. It's universal. Isn't it? We all have that. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die, but we do!

So we bullshit ourselves. I started bullshitting myself when I got to my forties.

As soon as I was in my forties I'd look in the mirror and I'd say, "well, I...I guess I'm getting...older."

Older sounds a little better than old doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I'm getting old!

And it's okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die...I'll pass away. Or I'll expire like a magazine subscription.

If it happens in the hospital, they'll call it a terminal episode.

The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient-care outcome.

And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure.

I'm telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit.

Makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill.

 

 

Well good ole George died a few years back.

 

He kicked the bucket.

He has shuffled off this mortal coil.

He is physically and emotionally unresponsive.

No longer alive.

He bit the dust.

He croaked.

Went belly up.

Went to meet his maker.

Bought the farm.

Cashed in his chips.

Ceased living.

Relinquished life.

He conked.

He gave up the ghost.

He is no more.

He met his demise.

He's resting in peace.

He exhaled his final breath. 

 

And since he was cremated and his ashes were scattered, he's also gone with the wind.
 

But he will never be obsolete.
In his spirit I've come up with a few more examples, which I'm sure many others have done also. And they should!

Because the shit just ain't over yet!

​

Pre-occupied ..... being occupied before you're actually occupied? Pre-occupied. What the fuck does that mean? You were busy before you were busy? No you asswipe, you were just busy. And then you got busy some more. You got busier.
 

"Honey? Are you jerking off in there?" ... "No snookums, I'm pre-pre-fucking." "But I wanted to do that." ... "Well you can do that later before we have sex."... "You mean during foreplay?" ... "Yes, during the pre-fucking stage."

 

When I was a kid we went to elementary school, which somewhere in time became grade school. Fine.
Before you went to elementary school or grade school, you went to kindergarten.

They even put Arnold Schwarzenegger undercover in one: "Kindergarten Cop". Remember that?
Now it's called Pre-School? 
Why didn't they call Kindergarten Cop 2 "Pre-School Police Officer"?
Yeah no shit. It's as American as buying an M-16 for you son's birthday.
Pre-school.
So now you're going to school before actually going to school.
Nah, that will never confuse your kids. No wonder the lastest generations are so fucked up!

 

I'm waiting for Pre-pre-school to emerge.
This word will be invented by the latest generation of yuppies who feel the need to get out there and prove their worth.
Stay at home mom? No way. Stay at home dad? Not a chance.
We'll stick little Bradley in Pre-pre School.
But that probably won't be the original name for it.
It'll probably start out as "A place where I can stick my kid so we can both make enough money to buy lots of worthless shit we don't actually need or use."
But the sign will keep breaking everytime they try to hang it against the building.
So they'll come up with Pre-pre school, and that sign will fit nicely over the previous "daycare" sign.

 

Yes that's right. I'm looking in to the future. I'm pre-viewing our evolutionary advances.

Oh there's another one: preview.
What is that? View before viewing?
"Hey Paul, here's a preview of the new movie." ... "You mean a trailer?" ... "No you moron! That's what the actors live in while shooting!" "Ah, right."
Preview.

 

George Carlin already covered pre-boarding, which we've all seen a few times when we're at the airport.

But I'd like to elaborate for just a few seconds.
It's a way to get your attention: "We've begun pre-boarding now. Please keep your tickets and passports handy. Thank you."
This way they get you to leave your expensive beverage, probably so they can finish it later [wink], forget your iPad or iPhone, probably so they can sell it [wink-wink], get you to stand in line so they can check your tickets and passports (in case you became someone else in the last 3 hours), then you shuffle to the gates where you wait for another 30 minutes before boarding actually starts.
In Germany they used to say "Achtung!" and then you were marched to the nearest transport. Err ... train.

But like Basil Fawlty, at least I didn't mention the war.

Another problem I've had for a very long time ... it's become a pet peeve ... is the term "near miss".
I've even debated this several times. Near miss. People who use the term "near miss" don't seem to get it.
Near is close. Right?

Miss is, when not thinking of a beauty pageant, in terms of a collision, when you DON'T collide. When you DON'T crash.
So when you literally translate those two words, near miss, you get "Close to not colliding."
In other words: YOU COLLIDED!
You crashed into each other.
When you ALMOST hit that car coming at you, it's a near hit.

"Oh look at that, Martha. We nearly hit that other car coming at us."
Please please please for the love of all that is righteous ... will you people start getting that right??
Near hit, not near miss.

A goose that gets chewed up in the engine of the plane you're in was a near miss.